dying beautiful's Journal

11:56pm:

3:44pm: i wake up at 12 and take my prescription cough medicine,
becuase ive been coughing badly for over two weeks
20 minutes later im throwing up everywhere
im about to get into the shower and my dad comes over and starts
bitching at me becuase he says all i do is fuck things up.
i get out of the shower and my dad yells at me saying they have to go
to court becuase of me.

the long story is. when i was released from the mental institution,
they would let me go under two conditions. that i went to counseling
every week and continued to take my anti depressants. well my parents
took me for like the first two weeks, then decided that they were
too busy to keep taking me. and my mom said "i was fine" and didnt
need my medicine.

i was going to school and not doing my work, so they dicided to take
me out of school and make me work with my dad in richmond. when social
services asked my parents why i wasnt going to school or to counseling
my parents lied and said i was in brazil. and none of this was my idea

now social services called my parents and told them they have to appear
in court. and becuase of that everyone is bitching at ME all fucking day
and they dont want me leaving the house.

saying i cant leave the house becuase "what if social services spots me"
well fuck it wasnt my fucking idea to lie and say i moved to brazil

and now my parents are threatening to send me to brazil just to save
their own asses. i seriously live with the most fucked up assholes
on the face of this planet.

i love my life so much

12:33am: well its pretty clear to me now that my girlfriend trys to
make herself seem like a fucking slut. i mean putting
up pictures of yourself in your livejournal with dicks drawn
in going into your mouth. yeah thats really fucking classy leanna

what the fuck, are you trying to get guys to hit on you or something
becuase theyll think your a fucking whore. becuase thats what it seems like.
fucking go ahead and flirt with guys, becuase i dont fucking care anymore
your apparently too busy trying to get other guys's attention and not mine

and i love those comments about jesus "fingering you" leanna. its lovely

all you fucking do is talk slutty to people, so maybe you can just
go find yourself another boyfriend. or play the field.. of dicks

fuck this.

anyways. underoath was fucking insane. and the people were cool, not slutty
underoath is definatly up there with the as i lay dying show.
a fucking fun ass night, talented bands, and cool kids.

</3

1:09pm: fucking underoath show tonight !!

(underoath, since by man, from first to last, winter solstice.)
Relative Theory Records
Norfolk, VA
$10.00 doors open at 7:00

3:04pm: my life is so much bullshit. thats all it is
anything that i ever have going for me, gets fucked up
not becuase anyone else fucks it up, but becuase im fucking useless

ill be 18 in five months, and i dont even have a job
i dont have a car, a liscense, a permit
i cant even get a fucking job, im not even legal here

why would anyone want to be associated with somebody like me
i have fucking nothing to offer
and along with my life constantly going downhill..
i manage to bring everyone else down with me

my life is going fucking nowhere, its fucking nothing
im a kid with no talent, who cant get a job, or drive
how am i sopposed to do anything with my life
am i sopposed to just do everything illegally my whole life

im never gonna fucking amount to shit,
and i have to live my life knowing that.

and by the way, sorry for complaining. again

11:49pm: well yesterday must have been one of the best days of my life
(thanks to leanna) and i love her more then anything. i spent
the entire day with her, and it was one of those perfect days.
today there was a show with break [in] transmission, wow owls,
an audiance, and electra complex. it was good, an audiance had
a lot of talent and i like their music. i got to see katie <3
keane, the second love of my life. and lots of other kids i
havent seen in a while.

short entry, but to the point

</3 xdying beautiful

10:58pm:

i came across this old ass picture of me looking massivly cracked out,
just thought i would put that in here for the hell of it

yesterday i made plans with bobby but i dont know what the fuck
happened, all i know is we never ended up getting together.
frank and stephen came over and we jammed in my garage for a while
then met corey and kyle up by strawbridge elemantary. went up
by farm fresh and ran into a million kids. followed some hott
girls into el tap and watched stephen try to work his magic.
well that went horribly wrong. some hott ass girl grabbed my
ass while i was walking, i thought that was pretty random.
then i watched kelli and courtney throw themselves all over
frank and stephen. went back to my house and grabbed some shit
and went over to franks. watched haggard, wich is by far the
funniest movie i have ever seen, then watched the texas chainsaw
massacre.

we thought it would be funny to grab a tape recorder and attempt
to make some half ass radio talk show. but then it just ended up
being me telling some storey about how i stole some cracked out
dude's car then kicked him out on the way home, and put the car
in reverse and ran over his legs, then took a shit in his gas tank.
so the talkshow didnt really go all that well

anyways the day pretty much sucked.

spring break seems like its going to be dull and pointless.
the only thing im looking forward to is hanging out with some
people i havent seen in a while. and the show on tuesday.
underoath is playing on the 20th, and if you miss that then
your just a wet pussy bitch.

this journal entry sucked, by far the most pointless one yet

dying beautiful, kyle stop smoking weed and get your double bass
and corey your a fucking peice of shit, get your shit from franks
goddamnit you guys .. are fucking morons
stop fingering your ass hole and get your shit together bitches

10:56pm: well once again i manage to realize that im just completly
worthless. although my girlfriend claims she missed and
loves me she is blowing me off for half of spring break
becuase her friends are more important to her then i am.
i guess they do a better job of being there for her and
sopporting her then i do. so i mean do whatever makes
you happy. if your friends make you happier then i do
then alright, do whatever you please.

today was franks 16th birthday. so happy birthday man.
he ended up getting a new crate and a bc rich warlock
so im sure he had a nice birthday. sorry i was too poor
to get you something but im fucking broke.

hung out with kevin today, hes always fun. played guitar

i dont have anything to do spring break, becuase im
a loser and nobody wants to hang out with me. so if
anyone feels like hanging out with a peice of shit
give me a call 450-5073. although im not expecting
my phone to ring anyways, but whatever

i miss a portion of the people i use to see at kellam.
like casey brooks, megan hawkins, katie keane.
brittany clark. sean stroud, ricky guran, justin fagen
mark brown, brad bentz, alison crute, rachael brann.
alex fenema, timmy white, molly, carling bitner.

i never get to see any of these faces anymore
these people make me happy and they have been
excluded from my life for the longest time.

its fucking gay, its really just fucking gay

11:34pm: i still love you leanna
thursday was the day of the show. got dressed and drank about 6 beers
and waited for cole and his girlfriend to come over. then we picked
up frank and went on over to club excess. ran into some people who
are cool in my book, and enjoyed the show. the only bands worth
mentioning is target dora, himsa, and bleeding through. when bleeding
through started to play was when i just somehow got sick as shit. i left
and sat on the floor near the entrance for about 15 minutes and the show
ended. everyone started to leave, and i got up and just threw up everywhere.
people walking out the doors saying "somebody had a good time tonight"
when i came home i went straight to bed, and threw up another 3 times
throughout the night.

friday was sopposed to be band practice for half the day, and then i
was going to hang out with leanna for the other half of the day. it turns
out that when i woke up i felt like absolute shit. i was dizzy and so
exhausted, felt like puking again, and my eyes were blurry. i was definatly
coming down with something. so unfortunatly i cancelled band practice and
my plans with leanna, wich really fucking sucked. i slept that entire day
then went to the hospital that night and had a temperature of 103.7
they gave me a prescription of somthing and sent me home. went to bed

saturday called leanna and she came on over to my house. for some reason
she wasnt feeling too great either, and i was still feeling like shit.
john came over and picked us up, and we went over to johns house where
me and leanna hung out with shane orry and john. basically sat there
and watched everyone else smoke up, i didnt want to becuase i was allready
sick and that would make it worse. went to orrys house later that night
becuase orrys mom was throwing a party type thing. and well it was gay.

sunday, headed over to kyles house to pick up corey's guitar and amp.
then headed over to franks house where i met corey shane and frank
for band practice. im tired of having band practice, everytime its
so non-productive and it makes me want to kick the fuck out of
dying beautiful. sat around for a while then corey left. frank and
i stayed up all night playing guitar and shit like we always do, then
went to sleep around 8 am.

monday i left franks house around 1 in the afternoon and went over
to johns house and asked his mom if she could drive me home. and she
did. leanna came over and we sat in my room, in love, until kevin and
his friend came over. i cant remember her name (sorry kevins friend)
all of a sudden i had of of those, what they like to call ...
pure strokes of genious. i grabbed a saxaphone out of the shed outside
wich is new and worth $1,200.00 and put it in kevins trunk. then we headed
to franks house and picked him up. dropped leanna off at her house becuase
she had to be home by 530.. then went to a pawn shop. i got completly ripped
off and got $200 for that saxaphone. then went over to guitar center and
bought a gison epiphone les paul for $300. went to kevins house and watched him
accidently break things, then laughed when his parents yelled at him.
went to the mall and humped an old lady, who never even knew what hit her
(it was my penis) and posed as models inside random stores. after that it was
about time to call it a day.

today...fucking...sucked.
i did nothing...just..nothing.


the plan was that i would be going back to school yesterday on monday,
but once again the plan changed and im not going becuase i hate school.
i should be working again sometime within the next two weeks wich fucking
rules because now i wont have to pawn shit to have money to spend.

i need some money for spring break.. this is shit. if anyone has any
genious money making schemes then please get back to me as soon as
possible. if anyone wants to give me free weed... please do it
also if anyone wants to give me some money that would be nice too



</3 dying beautiful

11:39pm:

 im pretty sure i hate my life..

everyday just feels like another cold slap in the face

im pretty sure my girlfriend doesnt really like me anymore, or likes somebody else

im not in a pleasant mood right now, and im not really happy with anything in my life

i hate myself, alot

i complain way too much, im not sure how anyone puts up with my shit

im such a fucking loser

band practice hasnt been happening, i dont see my life going anywhere. i cant do anything right

worthless.. just fucking worthless

nothing, im nothing

feel alone, not sure why

nobody cares, although i cant blame anyone. ive given up a long time ago

 

 

fuck life

 

 

</3 dying beautiful

1:14am: yesterday was just fucking strange. first off i pawned my guitar and my amp
and only got 60 dollors for everything. that was some fucking bullshit.
then when cole dropped me off home there was some cracked out dude in his
car waiting in my driveway. he called me over to his car, and at this point
i realized it was some foreign guy i had sold weed to before. im guessing
that hes under the impression that im a dealer, wich im not. then he was
asking me to get him crack, either that or cocaine. and i told him the only
thing i could get was weed. he then asked me to help him unload some boxes
out of his car for my mom. when we were done i was like "fuck i left my
cigarettes in cole's car" and that guy just handed me an unopened pack
of marlboro reds. when i told him i didnt have a lighter he asked me to
go to his car. so we sat in there and smoked a cigarette and then he
asked me if i wanted some beer, so ofcourse i said sure. we dorve down
to 711 and he bought a 12 pack of carona. when he came back to the car
he told me "this is my present to you" so i was just like ... alright
we drove somewhere down in southgate and drank some beer, and talked
about drugs and shit. he was telling me hoe he hsant had any crack or
cocaine in the longest time and he was trying to find some. so again i
told him the only thing i couldnt get him was weed. so he handed me 40
dollors. right after he handed me the money orry called, and turns out
he was going to buy some aswell. so we all drove and met at my house.
me orry and that foreign dude drove over to conrads house, at wich
point i asked this guy for an extra 20 dollors (wich i only intended
on keeping) and used the 40 he gave me to get a 40 sack. we got the shit,
and when i went to hand the guy his sack he said "i thought we were all
gonna smoke this together" and at this point i just thought this guy was
a fucking idiot. so he gave me back his sack, and we took some out and
orry rolled a joint. i put the rest of the weed in my pocket (listeners..
remember this) we all smoked that joint, and the foreign dude got completly
just fucked up. i mean.. he was shitting rips. and he was talking in a
who the fuck knows what language. and he was yelling piss or some shit.
he ran out of the car and pissed in some bush then came back, talking
about how were all friends or something. we came back to my house and he
just took off. the funny thing is i still hadd all his weed in my front
pocket. along with that i was 20 dollors richer, and high off of His joint.
and had a new 12 pack of carona. came home then this same guy called my cell
phone an hour later. saying "american weed is fucking crazy, i ran into the
curb, my tire is flat." and i was like fuck, i gotta go. later man. so i guess
that was that. i completly fucked that guy over, but then again i never
tried to, he was just a fucking moron... a fucking moron.. a fucking moron

alright so tuesday kinda sucked up until tonight. i just fucking sat
around my house and shit and played my guitar. got a call from chip
saying he was gonna come over to sell me my tickets. i have to admit
it feels weird to have target dora show up at your door. got three
tickets from them and talked for a little and they left. then got
phonecalls from cole and kevin and made some plans. cole picked me
up and we headed over to franks, where we met up with kevin and
joel. fucked around on guitar for a while then left.. went to hooters.
there were some hott ass motherfuckers... to say the least. and well,
they has some big ass nipplies. we set kevins hand on fire, i thought
that was kinda cool.

went back home then talked to frank. got my guitar and some shit together
and waited for him to come over and pick me up. played guitar for a while
and worked on a song. then i had one of those.. what you like to call...
pure strokes of genious. i carefully, and ever so tenderly, GRABBED the weed
from my pocket, the front one, derrr. we packed in inside a fucking can.
and we smoked it, it was good. then we played guitar again when out of
nowhere, frank had one of those.. what you like to call.. pure srokes of
genious. frank crafted a fine one hitter.. out of.. a fucking penm, with a
socket peice. although, it did work a fucking million times better then
that can. so basically we are now sitting here ripped ass shit. yeeeeaaahh

lets see.. what did i leave out. show thursday wich is going to fucking rule.
himsa, bleeding through, winter solstice, target dora, dragonsaur, and
death by stereo.

me and leanna had sex, and it was fucking great. on top of that, she told me
she loves my penis. now looking into the future.. lets just hope for some ass
sex

9:08pm: my house hasnt been very enviting lately. ill be moving out by the end of this week im tired of being force fed shit, and ive put up with this longer then i should have i have no idea where ill be going but that doesnt matter as long as im not here if anybody has a place for me please leave a comment. friday night i was faced with a very defficult decision i could either go to heathers party along with the rest of the pussys that go to kellam,or fucking not then go to huby's and watch a show. well i went to the show instead becuase target dora sounded alot funner then random kids trying act cool at some party. although, i do wish i was there to witness mike taylor getting his ass kicked. leanna came over and we waited for kevin to get here. then we picked up frank and went over to huby's. ran into a million kids i havent seen in a while, wich is always nice. playing was tonight we escape, through the harlots eyes, dreaded summer, juliet says die, and target dora. it was a fun show. everyone loved it, including leanna. then kevin dropped me and leanna off at the regal. we sat there and bitched at eachother a lot, then she got pissed and left. saturday was fun as shit. leanna came over to my house and we were alone. went upstairs to my room and one thing led to another.. and eventually led to sex. when my parents came home we went downstairs and acted like " nothin ever happened " and watched some movies. took some pictures of leanna becuase i think shes beautiful, then played guitar in the garage. my amp is now broken becuase my cousin in a complete peice of fucking shit and dropped it. if anybody has an amp i can use please leave a comment. tomorow i will be getting together with cole and trying to pawn some shit so i can get another amp. most likely a long shot becuase i dont have anything of significant value. t hen getting together with dying beautiful for band practice, hopefully with an amp. im planning on hanging out with leanna on wednesday. show at club excess on 04/01, what i believe to be thursday. death by stereo, bleeding through, himsa, dragonsaur, winter solstice, target dora, end of the universe. you cant miss this shit.fuck school and fuck whatever else you having going on that night and attend. if you dont then.. man you just fucking suck. i would like the world to know that me and leanna are very much in love and no other girl could ever make me happier and she loves my penis aswell </3 dying beautiful

2:06am:

 since ive gotten back from working at richmond ive had the enitire week off. it feel so fucking good to kick back and relax without having work to stress me the fuck out. the first thing i wanted to do was hang out with my girlfriend. leanna is such an amazing girl, and waiting to hang out with her and see her again is what i mostly look forward to when im down working in richmond. i want to spend as much time as i can with her before i move down to richmond. so thats what ive been doing.. being with her. what more could i ask for. leanna completes me.

 i asked my dad to take some of my money out of the bank and he got pissed and handed me all of the 350 dollors that i had in the bank account. i dont fucking care though i went to guitar center and got a bc rich mockingbird. been spending a lot of time playing guitar with frank and driving around with cole. hanging out with my girlfriend and john orry and shane. even had band practice today and corey steel actually showed up for once. tomorrow were sceduling band practice. myself corey kyle frank shane. joey your out of the band. kevin is showing up becuase we need his assistance. and brittany clark is going just becuase i havent seen her in forever ans i asked her to come.

life hasnt been miserable but on the other hang its not quite enjoyable. my life is so different in a sense that im not braulio. in fact i dont know who i am. ive been diognosed with having a split personality. when in my eyes its more then 2 voices that i hear in my head. whatever the fuck that may mean to you.. because ive yet to figure myself out. nothing is making me happy. leanna completes me in a sense that i wont go insane and kill myself. giving me a reason to apprecaite atleast one thing that life has to offer. love. lets just say she gets me to the neutral stage. experimenting hasnt exactly helped me out and ill confuse myself more as each day passes. morals that i had are gone becuase i dont know what to believe. and everything i thought was the truth has turned into another lie.

eventually ill end back up in the hospital becuase i have to strain myself too hard trying to be happy, because i dont want to have to take anti depressants. break my trust, break my heart, and stab me in the fucking back. im just waiting for this moment to come. i can feel it. im just waiting to shutdown again. nothing lasts forever. and surely me being neutral cant possibly last much longer

 

11:59am:

im tired of work

it takes up all my fucking time and i never get a chance to do anything anymore. today i was sopposed to hang out with leanna and we were also gonna hang out saturday becuase she cant leave during the week. but now im fucking leaving for work today, on a friday, and coming back next thursday. all of my plans that i had for the weekend are fucking worthless now. im tired of making plans with people when work always fucking gets in the way. im just gonna work and sleep. thats gonna be my life. its not like i ever get to see my friends or my girlfriend anyways so what the fuck does it even matter. i dont skateboard anymore, i never get a chance to. and when i finally do, i just fucking suck. i lost everything.

dying beautiful ... what the fuck. we dont even practice even when im fucking here. i make plans to practice and everyone just blows it off. fuck man... forget it. its not gonna happen if im the only one thats wants to do this.

and dont ever leave hair dye in your hair for 2 hours.. becuase all my hair is falling out. ..... thats a nice little touch to add to my allready shitty life. baldness... balding at the age of 17. god damn i fucking love it. my life is just so fucking amusing

 

i hope everyone is having fun, and skateboarding, getting high, getting drunk, having sex with hott ass girls, and having time to do whatever the fuck they want

atleast somebody should have some fun for me since i never get to do shit

 

2:59pm: the sky came falling down on me today
your terms and definitions scrape the flesh
thorns in my plams.
your terms and definitions burn holes through my naked back
slit my throat, slit my wrists and drive this nail straight through my throat.
these scars on my wrists are for you

2:34pm:

 last night i cried for the first time, in what has seemed like forever

 it makes it so much worse when you cant say whats wrong, becuase everything is wrong

 i have come to realize that this feeling has never stopped, and it will never go away

•  i cant help but feel that everything has changed. my friends arent the way i remembered them
• everything has changed, everything except myself.
• ive struggled my way through life for so long, yet i still continue to struggle
• i feel as if i have been raped of everything i have ever known

 Leanna, i miss a side of you that you havent been able to share with me in a while

• i miss those days when you put your head on my shoulders, and said "we should be in love"
• i miss those days when we would talk endlessly until your phone died
• i miss those days when you were to nervous to look into my eyes

And as for all my friends,

• why have all the phonecalls stopped
• why doesnt anyone ever show up at my door anymore
• why am i never to be included in your lives anymore

yes i have my problems, but why do people have to look at me differently ?

love always,

</3 xdying beautiful

 

10:56pm:

• leanna's journal 2/02/04

Last night i thought about alot.. i wanted to put it all in here but i really dont think it would matter what i have to say anyways. . i just feel like venting some things out right now though . . i really hate the way most people see me as. . i really don't think anyone knows about me .. like really knows me..or see me as somting i'm not . .i guess because i have trouble opening up to people .. and after 6 months of going out with Braulio i feel like i know him pretty well and about all that he's been through. .but he doesn't know me at all. .he really doesn't. .and i know it's my fault and it's not that i don't trust him it's just i have trouble opening up to people and telling people things that have happend to me. . there's things Jessica dosen't even know about me and she's been my bestfriend since forever. . I'm really not happy with anything. .i'm never happy. .only when i'm with Braulio. . When i was ten the docotrs said i was bi-polar. .i took medacation for 2 years then was finally able to get off of it. . yeah would have guessed. . i don't like people knowing how i was before so i act happy all the time now i try to act as normal as posiable. but i guess you all know now. but i'm tired of hiding me or who i was. . when i was thirteen i wanted to kill myself (could you even tell Alex ) i kept it to myself i would cut myself and when my mom or somone asked me what it was. .i would say i was playing with my cat and it cut me. .yeah my fucking cat. . cats don't cut that deep into you for you to bleed all over your shirt and stain them. . my mom knew i was lying. .through eigth grade i wen't to a consiling.i guess it help because the thought of wanting to kill myself went away for a good while but i still have my moods on me wanting to do it. . i rarely ever tell anyone, i don't like telling people my problems because i feel like they will think of me differntly. I start to freak out and shake and i just want to break down and cry. .and yesterday when i hung out with Braulio all of a sudden it came over me. .i couldn't even hold it back. .i felt so embaressed. . i didn't want him to know. .i didn't want anyone to know. . i don't eat anymore. .ever. . i eat like twice a week . .there's somthing wroung with me. .this entry was pointless. . ugh this is why i don't like talking about things to anyone because it makes me feel worse.ugh whatever . 

she looks so happy, why would anyone think otherwise

• its a shame that after six months of commitment, i thought leanna was a happy person


• its a shame that  after i spill my heart for her, my love still isnt enough


• its a shame that she wont talk to the one person that wants to help her

 

• i know what its like to be empty inside, to wake empty handed


• i know what its like ...

i know what its like to look into the mirror, and see the pain in your own eyes
i know what its like to want all the pain to go away, for everything to go away
i know what its like to be alive out of habit, to be alone
i know what its like to wish you were dead, because im still wishing

 

love always,

</3 xdying beautiful

"i looked at your cold white face, so still so empty"

10:37pm: alright,
well this past monday i left for richmond to start "working" and doing somthing with my life. after the 2 hour drive i walk into the apartment that i would be staying in. it must have been the emptiest apartment ive ever seen. 2 couches with an old looking televison sitting on the ground. a small dining table in the kitchen. a telephone that isnt in service. and a fridge loaded with beer. we work nites from around 10 till 7 in the morning. and varying hours during the evening. sorda like having 2 jobs and minimum sleep to say the least. the entire week felt like i was barely awake and standing, living off beer, coffee, and way to many cigarettes. $250 per week is my somwhat of motivation. i dont really want to get into it, but work was horrible and ill leave it at that

saturday,
we left richmond around 11, stopping at several places on the way back home. the only thing i was really looking forward to was seeing leanna. my mom is sketchy about me having leanna over because of things like me getting her pregnant and whatnot. so when my mom said she didnt want leanna over my dad came in the room and said "he worked all week, he can do what he wants. if he wants to have his girl over then hes going to have his girl over" and that was the end of discussion. so with work comes money and more freedom, i cant complain there. when leanna came over we just stayed in my room and enjoyed eachothers company. it was awesome. just spending time with her makes me happy, and it gives me somthing to look forward to when coming home on the weekends.

sunday,
well since leanna is the only thing that makes me happy, i thought to myself, why not just hang out with her again on sunday. and so me and her went to the movies and watched the score. the movie was nothing special but i just wanted to be warm and next to leanna, so it was fine.

when we were sitting with eachother after the movies i could tell somthing was wrong and that she was upset about somthing. her eyes were watery then tears came down her face. and when i asked her what was wrong she just smiled and said nothing. i hate seeing her like that, it reminds me of myself. i want to make leanna happy but i dont feel like ... im doing anything. i put her through so much when all i want is whats best for her. she put up with my months of depression when we were first dating and then me being in a mental hospital for over a month. now she has to put up with me working and barely getting to see eachother, and eventually ill be moving. but i need to do something with my life, and i want a future with leanna. i know nobody thinks we will last, but others dont matter. only she matters. my 17 years of hating life and being depressed has paid off, becuase i found the one person who loves me. and the only one that makes me happy.

to this day i continue to hate the person that i am today, its not worth it when you cant make yourself or others happy. yes leanna makes me happy, and one would think thats enough, but it isnt. there needs to be more to motivate a person.


i feel like shit, i hate everything
i dont want to go through this shit again

... everyones a fucking liar, i feel so alone



love always </3 xdying beautiful

6:45pm: i just dont even understand. coming home only to be bitched at for my faults. i cant help the fact that i was sustained in a fucking hospital, or the fact that im taking some medication. i know im not close to normal, but no one sees me for the person that i am. i can honestly say that the last thing i wanted was to be back with my parents, and under that environment. i hate walking into the front door everyday only to be told that im a worthless peice of shit and that every single thing i do is wrong. everyday i get threats of being sent off somewhere and isolated, or just abandoned. but, sometimes that all i fucking want. i want to get away from the people that make me feel horrible about myself. even people i care about most and are closest to me, make me feel like i dont matter. if i were to say my best friends never made me feel like shit, id be lying. if i were to say leanna never made me feel like shit, id be lying.

i guess i dont have else to say right now

</3 xdying beautiful

10:02am: yesterday.

didnt feel like going to school so i woke up pretty late. miles came over and so we skated out front for a while until the cold started fucking with us. shane, corey, and kyle came overe here and we grabbed my guitar and amp and brought my shit over to kyles. jammed for a while until things seemed to get boring, then decided we would go out and skate. there wasnt really anywhere to skate so i guess we just fucked around up by regal. i ran out of cigarettes so that pretty much resulted in me being forced to shoulder tap for 2 hours. and even after all that shit i had no luck. went to friendlys. sniffed some sugar. grabbed my shit from kyles and went back home.

B1ueEyedSuicide: you dont want to hang out do you

xdying beautiful: yeah

B1ueEyedSuicide: are you sure cus i really dont want you to lie

B1ueEyedSuicide: i dont think you do

xdying beautiful: well thats becuase you have a retarded fucking
brain and your thinking sucks ass



</3

10:18pm: well i woke up on the late side becuase i think after smashing my alarm clock on the wall several times.. the damn thing now refuses to work. so ofcourse school was not an option today , or maybe i really didnt feel like going. i called my doctor and told him i wasnt going to the appointment. i dont really need to get my anti deppressant prescription refilled becuase i havent been taking that stupid shit. i spent the day online looking up tabs and stealing my dads guitar equipment from the garage and bringing everything up to my room. after fucking around on the guitar it was time for relaxation and a couple smoke breaks. 3 cigarettes turned into 7 and we all know how the story goes. i walked over to farm fresh to meet leanna </3 and i took it upon myself to bring a camera. but since leanna can be quite the ass sometimes it was nearly impossible for me to take any pictures even though she takes pictures of me all the time. but i managed to make the best out of the circumstances and was pleased with what i got. sexy leanna, very sexy </3. the rest of the day was wasted playing guitar and taking a trip down to walmart to get black spray paint and my pictures developed. i also bought a cd labeling system and a burner so i can now be completely occupied with my music instead of just 75 %. still looking for a fucking drummer for this band. myself - screamer/guitar shane - lead screamer frank - guitar corey - guitar joey - bass drummer - fucking no one ive finally finished writing the first song for our band </3 "tears fade with fallen memories" love burns all my emotions as i hold my breath forever. my heart is yours. (yours) my heart is broken (my heart is). i ask this blood stained mirror what will i become after you reject me. (when you reject me) i cant imagine life without your lies. (without you) take my hand or slit my wrist. your lying lips(you never meant a word) rip this from my chest. ill spend my last breath screaming your name. bleeding for you. (dying for you) with my blood i sign your name (your name) my words too soft to be spoken.(never to be heard) (dying in your silence) as i hold my breath forever (forever) </3 goodbye

5:20am: frank and myself are starting a hardcore band
were looking for a drummer and somone else on guitar.


get back to me if anyones interested


</3 love

12:07pm: So here I am dying lost in a world I cant comprehend.
So here I am choking with regrets stuffed in my throat
Im so sick of being sick
so fucked up of being fucked up.
They told me that Im free and they wrote it everywhere.
So I walk alone not knowing where I go.
not knowing where Ill fall.
But I feel secure and I smile because I know its the last and only sacrifice.

and for the first time i feel beautiful

1:39pm: don't try and force me to smile
its been a long time since i said those words
but look at me
i'm the one still standing here talking all the shit i want
where have you gone
look at me im the one screaming at a wall
and you have disappeared (where the fuck have you gone)
years go bye names and faces change
but the bullshit stays the same
years go bye and the memories stay the same

7:55am: the reason why i havent updated this in a while is becuase i fucking hate my life.. and i could really care less about who reads this or what people have to say about my life. Becuase other peoples opinions and comments will make no difference in my life. every little thing that happens on a daily basis is pissing me off. i wake up in the morning with no reason to get out of bed. im turning into a fucking bitch becuase im so unhappy and becuase of that nearly everyone hates me right now. im tired of fucking writing in this thing and complaining about my life. but it seems like i have no other choice. i went to my real parents house the other day. they told me that in 3 weeks they are going to the courts and trying to get me back. when they get me back they are sending me to brazil. johns mom told john that theres a chance i have to go back. johns dad hates me and john. johns mom and dad are getting divorced. i only come to johns house when tim leaves because tim kicked me out of his house and doesnt want me here. he threw out half my fucking shit and i have no clothes. im always traveling back and forth between orrys house and johns house. im not wanted at either places. i have no fucking source of income. im constantly broke with no transportation. im constantly dirty .. and i look like shit. ive never felt this bad about myself. this is the most insecure ive ever been. i hate looking into a mirror. i hate being around people. i hate making eye contact. and honesty i dont want to be around people at all because i dont want anyone having to look at me. im so fucking unhappy. ive never been so depressed in my life. and the sad thing is nobody could fucking care less about any of this shit. i try so hard to be nice to people and to make my life better.. or atleast as close to "ok" as i can. but nothing i do matters to anyone. ive always thought that what goes around comes around. and i always try to be the best person that i fucking can but thats not good enough for people. im not fucking good enough for anyone else. im not fucking anything. im just here so god can set a fucking example of me. so people can look at me and say "atleast im not that kid.." i cant fucking take it anymore. nobody fucking understands. no one knows the shit i go through every second of the day. no one knows what i sit there and think about. i fucking hate this world. i fucking hate you people for making me feel like this biggest peice of shit ever born. i fucking hate the fact that i sit here and think about killing myself every second of the day. i havent done anything to anyone to deserve any of the shit that i go through. none of this is going to get any better. everything is getting worse day by day. everyone fucking hates me. im so fucking alone. i dont know what the fuck i did to deserve feeling this way. im so fucking sorry. im fucking sorry.